I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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