cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
