I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Dear god my vagina.
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