We're like a lot better than the average bears
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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