I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
