Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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