im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
