My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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