I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
