I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
