: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
