I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
