I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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