Me. At least after what I've been through.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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