Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
