It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
