Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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