Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
People in love make me want to vomit
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
