I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
