using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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