i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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