I met the friendliest cop last night
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
