nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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