I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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