dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
