There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
