Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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