It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
