They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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