A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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