I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I need moral support for this bender
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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