I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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