Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My boob is missing a layer of skin
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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