his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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