I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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