now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
