i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
