stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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