Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
