I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
