It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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