Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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