Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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