Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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