11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
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Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
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I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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