We named our party play list daddy issues
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize