On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
