When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
