u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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