This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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