Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
