guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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